May 10, 2009
On Being a Groomsman
I was a groomsman at a good friend's wedding yesterday. Cheval and I met in a men's group several years ago, and have kept in touch since then. Cheval is a man's man. He has served his country and his God well. He is one of that rare breed of men who has really been there and done that.
Having been there and done that changes a man. In some cases, it hardens a man and calluses his heart. However, in his case, it strengthened, deepened, and sensitized him. He has a depth and a warmth that draws people to him and soon points them to the One he loves.
I've been with Cheval during some dark times, when it seemed that his hopes and dreams were being dashed. It is in those times, times of trial and pain, that we see what a man is made of, who he truly is and what he truly values. In those times, I knew a man who was strong enough to call for help, to grieve well his loss, and to throw his life, his hopes and dreams completely into the hands of the One who is especially fond of him, who says, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
We saw a glimpse of those plans yesterday. I was witness to his marriage. I saw how he honors DeMarquine (Dee), and how she adores him. I saw how her sons respect and love this man, their new father. I saw it in their eyes and heard it in their words. Cheval, I could not have hoped for a better wife for you. The One who does all things well has outdone Himself this time: plans to prosper you, plans to give you hope and a future, indeed! (more...)
April 20, 2009
A Toast to Mr. and Mrs. Dave Giolitti
This is my toast to my darling daughter and her new husband: Mr. And Mrs. Dave Giolitti.
Becky and Dave, I am so happy for you! What an adventure you have before you. You have exhilarating mountaintops ahead, along with rocky climbs, and some dark valleys. Through it all, my prayer for you is that our Papa will hold you close to His chest, that you will feel his embrace. That you would each come to really know how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and that your love for Him would grow your love for each other. You think you love each other now, but wait, there's more; so much more.
You both look so happy today. I know you’ve wrestled with issues and had hard knocks. You’ve wrestled with parents on both sides who questioned some of your choices, and you’ve held your own in those conflicts and have shown an ability to work together toward good decisions. And today your faces show the joy of a couple who know they’ve made the right decision. And I agree. This day is about a couple who have overcome some major obstacles and come out all shiny. You two are right and good for each other. You done good!
Dave, Becky is a great girl -- uh, woman. She is so full of life, she is so creative, she is such a faithful friend, she will fight for right, she is so willing to carry the load when necessary, and she is so obviously is crazy in love with you. She has been really good for you! I am truly proud of my Sweet Baby Becky! But Dave, as wonderful as my (now your) Becky is, the truth is she will never fully satisfy or fulfill you. You need more than a woman can offer. Look to Jesus for that.
And Becky, Dave is such a great guy. He is obviously so good for you! I’m so proud of him and really happy for you. His determination, his concern for your feelings and needs, and his consistency in seeking your best are so good. I haven’t seen you so happy in forever. (And I’m not just talking about happy here at the wedding.) Despite all that you’ve faced and all the stresses of life, you are Becky Joy again. And that’s largely thanks to the love of this good man. He is a good man and is good for you. But as good as Dave is, he's not enough for you. He is just a man; he can’t be your salvation. Look to Jesus for that.
So … when I say, “look to Jesus” I’m not implying that you're pagans or something. I’m learning that the Gospel is about every day, and turning to Jesus is not just about Redemption and Salvation writ large, but about everyday salvation, and transformation, and growth. You’ve both come into this relationship with a past: wounds, memories, and disappointments that are too hard to bear. A good thing is that you two have been able to talk together about these things, and you love each other (not in spite of, but) with all that comes along with having a past.
But the past is past, and marriage – and life – is about new beginnings: first about today and then about the future. God says in Jeremiah 29: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” My desires for you two are the same. I intend to love you with relentless affection, but Jesus does that much better than I do.
Becky, I have tried to love you as the Daddy you deserve and need. I love you, but have often failed to look with you to the One who loves you best. I forgot that as much as I love you, I can’t love you as much as you need. At times, I failed to look to Jesus for that.
And Dave, as an almost father-in-law, I wanted to love you like a father, to support you, to encourage you, to build you up, and to honor you like you need and deserve. But I forgot that my love could go only so far; that my desire to help and heal is good, but is not enough. In trying to love you well, I sometimes forgot to look to Jesus for that.
This is not about beating ourselves up or about Bible thumping. There is no life in that, and you know that’s not my way. My desire for myself and for you is life. This is about remembering the first things, and living in light of what’s true: about ourselves, about the world, about life, and about God.
Becky and Dave, one more thing that is true is that you two are precious to me. I am especially fond of you, so proud of you, and happy for the life you are starting together.
Live long and prosper. Oh, ... and remember the sunscreen ... and don’t forget to floss.
Becky and Dave, I am so happy for you! What an adventure you have before you. You have exhilarating mountaintops ahead, along with rocky climbs, and some dark valleys. Through it all, my prayer for you is that our Papa will hold you close to His chest, that you will feel his embrace. That you would each come to really know how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and that your love for Him would grow your love for each other. You think you love each other now, but wait, there's more; so much more.
You both look so happy today. I know you’ve wrestled with issues and had hard knocks. You’ve wrestled with parents on both sides who questioned some of your choices, and you’ve held your own in those conflicts and have shown an ability to work together toward good decisions. And today your faces show the joy of a couple who know they’ve made the right decision. And I agree. This day is about a couple who have overcome some major obstacles and come out all shiny. You two are right and good for each other. You done good!
Dave, Becky is a great girl -- uh, woman. She is so full of life, she is so creative, she is such a faithful friend, she will fight for right, she is so willing to carry the load when necessary, and she is so obviously is crazy in love with you. She has been really good for you! I am truly proud of my Sweet Baby Becky! But Dave, as wonderful as my (now your) Becky is, the truth is she will never fully satisfy or fulfill you. You need more than a woman can offer. Look to Jesus for that.
And Becky, Dave is such a great guy. He is obviously so good for you! I’m so proud of him and really happy for you. His determination, his concern for your feelings and needs, and his consistency in seeking your best are so good. I haven’t seen you so happy in forever. (And I’m not just talking about happy here at the wedding.) Despite all that you’ve faced and all the stresses of life, you are Becky Joy again. And that’s largely thanks to the love of this good man. He is a good man and is good for you. But as good as Dave is, he's not enough for you. He is just a man; he can’t be your salvation. Look to Jesus for that.
So … when I say, “look to Jesus” I’m not implying that you're pagans or something. I’m learning that the Gospel is about every day, and turning to Jesus is not just about Redemption and Salvation writ large, but about everyday salvation, and transformation, and growth. You’ve both come into this relationship with a past: wounds, memories, and disappointments that are too hard to bear. A good thing is that you two have been able to talk together about these things, and you love each other (not in spite of, but) with all that comes along with having a past.
But the past is past, and marriage – and life – is about new beginnings: first about today and then about the future. God says in Jeremiah 29: “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” My desires for you two are the same. I intend to love you with relentless affection, but Jesus does that much better than I do.
Becky, I have tried to love you as the Daddy you deserve and need. I love you, but have often failed to look with you to the One who loves you best. I forgot that as much as I love you, I can’t love you as much as you need. At times, I failed to look to Jesus for that.
And Dave, as an almost father-in-law, I wanted to love you like a father, to support you, to encourage you, to build you up, and to honor you like you need and deserve. But I forgot that my love could go only so far; that my desire to help and heal is good, but is not enough. In trying to love you well, I sometimes forgot to look to Jesus for that.
This is not about beating ourselves up or about Bible thumping. There is no life in that, and you know that’s not my way. My desire for myself and for you is life. This is about remembering the first things, and living in light of what’s true: about ourselves, about the world, about life, and about God.
Becky and Dave, one more thing that is true is that you two are precious to me. I am especially fond of you, so proud of you, and happy for the life you are starting together.
Live long and prosper. Oh, ... and remember the sunscreen ... and don’t forget to floss. March 1, 2009
Six months among the Catholics
Ten years ago, while I was sleeping, my wife, Chris came home a Catholic; not raised a Catholic, mind you, but a convert. As I said, I was sleeping, or I'm sure I would have "done something about it."
Yep, she came out of the closet where she had been living as a closet Catholic for some time and came home from church a born-again Catholic. A closet is not a very comfortable place to live, so I hear. And somehow I think I had kept her in there, and since I was sleeping, she just decided not to hide anymore. She was gonna be a Catholic in the living room and the kitchen, too.
But that was ten years ago, and I've been waking up.
She also has had a couple of minor seizures, after which a person cannot drive for six months.
So, I was a taxi man May to October. I drove for groceries, doctor visits, and church. And rather than drop off my Catholic at Church, I spent six months among the Catholics. I may have attended Mass more than a lot of the parishioners. So what's it like for a life-long Presbyterian to hang with the Catholics? Well, "it was the best of times; it was the worst of times."
September 23, 2008
“Love is blind.” Not!
"I wish I didn?t know now, what I didn?t know then." So goes the Toby Keith song. There is a conventional wisdom that in many situations, it's better not to know; "ignorance is bliss." But when Thomas Gray penned the words, "where ignorance is bliss, tis folly to be wise", he was not saying ignorance is better than folly, but that it is less painful, but only for a time.
Ignorance, not knowing, is often misalignment with reality. My wife is fond of saying, "Reality is our friend." And I agree. Having our thinking aligned with reality, with truth, really does set us free.
What got me thinking about this was a discussion I had about a prayer that the biblical writer Paul prays for his friends in his letter to the Philippians. He prays for them: "That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you will be able to discern what is best." (Philippians 1) Paul would say, "I'm glad I know now, what I didn't know then" even if, as Gray was talking about, the knowledge is painful.
Paul juxtaposes love and knowledge, a rare combination. He prays that love may abound in knowledge. Knowledge is organized information; acquaintance with facts, truths or principles; aligning ideas about a thing to the facts. So here, Paul is asking God to help his friends to be knowledgeable, to be able to grasp and remember the facts, to think clearly.
However, he doesn't want them to just be know-it-alls. Paul also asks for depth of insight. Insight is the power of acute observation and deduction; the clear understanding of a complex situation; grasping the inner nature of things intuitively.
The objective of this knowledge and understanding is discernment of what is best, making wise choices in difficult decisions. Discernment is understanding; perception of that which is obscure; discretion (wise judgement); discrimination (perceiving differences that exist). In addition to having broad knowledge, Paul wants his friends to be able to use the knowledge with deep understanding. This is not just a passive knowing, but wisdom that can actively guide good decisions.
This is a huge issue for me. Part of the pose that developed out of my woundedness was a reluctance, almost an inability to make some decisions. In talking about this with a friend recently, we both realized that for him in certain situations and for me in most situations, we find we have no opinion. We do not take a stand. Why would a man, who has knowledge and understanding in most situations be either clueless or frozen in the place where those are needed to make a decision?
We realized that in my case it stems from a strength and my response to a wound. The that response is an unwillingness (which morphed over time into an inability) to extend myself. It's an unwillingness to place myself in a position to be disappointed, to be hurt, or to lose. So rather than face life with an open posture, I have unconsciously held myself and my heart close. In insulating myself from pain, I also lost much of my ability to step up with a decision. I could usually see the options, but was unable to choose between them with any sense of certainty.
Now one of my strengths is to listen and understand others. I can listen to one side of an issue and understand why he has decided that way. I can follow his reasoning and say, "He has a good point there." Then when an opposing view is presented, I follow it, and think, "On the other hand, she makes a good point, too." This is a real gift and strength. It often enables me to be objective and empathetic, even in impassioned discussions. It sometimes lets me build bridges between folks. But in many situations where decisiveness is needed, where I need to take a stand, I might as well flip a coin. My decider got lost long ago.
So what's love got to do, got to do with this? Paul doesn't say, "That you may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." He says, instead, "That your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight." Love and knowledge are juxtaposed here. How do they fit?
The word that is translated love here is not our typical brotherly affection or erotic love. The Greek word Paul uses is agape: giving love. Agape is love that actively extends itself; gives itself on behalf of the other; risks for the other. It considers the other's needs as more important than one's own.
With this understanding of agape love, it becomes clearer that If I am to really seek another's good, I need to know enough of the facts of their situation and back-story to understand why they think and feel the way they do. To love well, then, I need to know the other well enough to have insight about what will benefit them.
But knowing all this isn't enough. I sometimes need to take a stand and act on behalf of another. I need learn to be decisive; having discernment to take my knowledge and insight about a situation and translate that into a decision, into action. Active love takes risks where the potential benefit to the other outweighs the risk to oneself. And for me, this is is a scary thought. You "Type-A" folks will say, "So what's the big deal? Just decide, will you!" But that's easier said than done for someone with years of complacency -- note I said complacency and not indecisiveness. An indecisive person weighs the situation and is unable to decide between the options. The choice is too much for him. A complacent person may see options out there, but doesn't enter into the process. The effort is too much for him.
So that comes back to love, doesn't it? If I love a person, and know that person, I need to be willing to extend myself, to risk making decisions, to act on their behalf. There are times when I need to do the mental, emotional, and sometimes spiritual work necessary to take a stand, make a decision, act. Complacency just can't be my default setting. But it will take work to get there. But in my opinion (I said "opinion"! Did you hear that?) it'll be worth it.
I'm not sure what my next step is, but I do have the goal in mind. Maybe my next step is to take a step toward that goal. It is encouraging that a few verses earlier in Philippians 1, Paul says that he is "confident of this, that he [God] who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." So though I'm not sure how to move ahead, I'll ask "he, who" what to do next. I'll tell you how it goes.
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